“Parents have a sacred duty to rear
their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and
spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the
commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”
What does the textbook Successful
Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives [2]
say regarding this?
Chapter 10 is titled, “Parenting
with Love, Limits, and Latitude: Proclamation Principles and Supportive
Scholarship,” and discusses parenting styles described by scholarly research
and which of these is most effective and how that style most closely resembles
principles taught in the proclamation.
Ineffective parenting styles found
on the edges of the spectrum are coercive and permissive. In the coercive style
the parent forces the child to be “good” through punishment, psychological
control, and/or other authoritarian measures. This parenting style is deceptively
attractive because when a parent gets a desired behavior from a young child
through threats of or actual punishment then the parent is left to assume this
method “works.” (Please see a video linked at the end of the blog by Glenn
Latham that describes this method of parenting.) However, studies have shown
that children react to this in negative ways that lead to avoidance, escape,
and or counter coercion or manipulation. The long-term effects can be
devastating to the parent-child relationship and lead to risky, dangerous, or self-destructive
behaviors by the child. On the other hand, a parent who sets no boundaries or
limits on a child’s behavior or overindulges them risks an outcome that can produce
young adults that can have difficulty academically, in careers, coping with
difficulties, delaying gratification, or recognizing the proper role of
authority figures in society. This permissive style of parenting is sometimes
associated with homes where both parents work and children have little nurture
or guidance. Often permissive parents justify lack of parenting time with “just
trying to provide for their family,” a focus on “quality time” rather than quantity
of time spent with their children, or the desire to be best friends with their
children. Research seems to indicate that although not an effective parenting
method, permissive parenting does not seem to have as serious long-term
negative effects on children as coercive, or authoritarian, parenting does.
Research shows that the most optimal
parenting method is the authoritative style. This style is highlighted by three
key elements: love, limits, and latitude. With love, or connection, a child The
prophet Brigham Young had some very wise counsel to parents regarding love, “Kind
looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment towards them
will bind our children to us with bands that cannot easily be broken; while
abuse and unkindness will drive them from us, and break asunder every holy tie
that should bind them to us and to the everlasting covenant in which we are all
embraced.” “Research has documented that children are less aggressive and more
sociable and empathetic if they have parents (particularly fathers) who are
more loving, patient, playful, responsive, and sympathetic to children’s
feelings and needs.”[3]
This is the positive reinforcement alluded to by Glenn Latham in the
aforementioned video clip. The second element, limits, refers to parents
helping children learn how to regulate their own behaviors. “In authoritative
homes, parents are clear about rules and expectations….parents build a safety
net of appropriate limits for their children, generously communicate their
approval of desirable behavior, and help children regulate themselves.”[4] By
setting limits and following through with appropriate, dispassionate,
pre-established consequences, parents help children learn that limits are
protections from undesired natural consequences of our choices, actions, and
behaviors. Regarding discipline, Brigham Young also taught. “Bring up your
children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their
temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to
correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear
you.”[5] Authoritative
parents recognize the need to enforce these limits in a calm, controlled manner
and balancing them with an assurance of love, forgiveness, and security that
children need. At appropriate ages, communication and collaboration with
children regarding limits and consequences empowers children as partners in this
process. The final element, latitude, or autonomy, allows children to exercise agency
or make choices with appropriate limits. One of my counselors once joked that
his children always had choices when it came to church attendance. He said they
could choose for themselves whether to go in the front door or the back door. Elder
M. Russell Ballard explained it this way, “Helping children learn how to make
decisions requires that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on
the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to
give children choices and should be prepared to appropriately adjust some
rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations. To do this, parents
must listen—really listen—to what their children are saying. They must know
what is important to each child.”[6]
The text authors conclude, “Rearing
children in love and righteousness, as the proclamation admonishes, requires
the best effort parents have to offer. Nevertheless, the rewards of such
well-placed time and attention are eternal.”[7]
What does Handbook 1: Stake
Presidents and Bishops[8] say
regarding this?
“2.1.1 In addition to strengthening
individuals, the bishop strengthens families. He teaches that the family is the
most important organization in time and eternity. He encourages families to
hold family home evening, pray and read the scriptures together, and be
considerate of one another. He ensures that Church callings do not unduly
infringe on family responsibilities. He also ensures that Church activities
support parents’ efforts to raise righteous children.”
“7.1.7 Leaders encourage
parents to stay close to their children and to counsel them, allowing the
leaders to act in a supporting role.”
What do the scriptures say regarding this?
Moses 5:12 “And Adam and Eve
blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto their sons and
their daughters.”
D&C 68:25-28 “Inasmuch as
parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized,
that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ
the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by
the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of
the parents. For this shall be a law unto the inhabitants of Zion, or in any of
her stakes which are organized. And their children shall be baptized for the
remission of their sins when eight years old, and receive the laying on of the
hands. And they shall also teach their children to pray, and to walk uprightly
before the Lord.”
D&C 93:40, 42–43 “But I have
commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth. You have not taught
your children light and truth, according to the commandments; and that wicked
one hath power, as yet, over you, and this is the cause of your affliction. And
now a commandment I give unto you—if you will be delivered you shall set in
order your own house, for there are many things that are not right in your
house.”
D&C 121:41-44 “No power or
influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by
persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love
unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the
soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—Reproving betimes with sharpness,
when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an
increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be
his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of
death.”
Ephesians 6:4 “bring [their
children] up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
Enos 1:1, 3 Enos recorded that his
father was “a just man” who “taught me in his language, and also in the nurture
and admonition of the Lord—and blessed be the name of my God for it. …
the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal
life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart.”
Alma 39:12 “And now the Spirit of
the Lord doth say unto me: Command thy children to do good …; therefore I
command you, my son, in the fear of God, that ye refrain from your iniquities”
Alma 53:20 “[The ‘sons’ of Helaman]
were exceedingly valiant for courage, and also for strength and activity; but
behold, this was not all—they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever
thing they were entrusted”
Alma 56:47-48 “Now they never had
fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of
their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by
their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them. And they
rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our
mothers knew it.”
2 Corinthians 12:14 “Behold, the
third time I am ready to come to you; and I will not be burdensome to you: for
I seek not yours, but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children.”
John 9:2-3 “And his disciples asked
him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born
blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that
the works of God should be made manifest in him.”
John 1:4 “I have no greater joy
than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in
the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Mal. 4:6 “turn the heart of the
fathers to the children and the heart of the children to the fathers. …”
What do latter-day prophets and apostles say regarding this?
President David O. McKay’s famous
words were, “No other success [in life] can compensate for failure in the home.”[9]
President Harold B. Lee counseled,
“The most important of the Lord’s work you and I will ever do will be within
the walls of our own homes.”[10]
President Lee also said, “Now keep
in mind this; that when the full measure of Elijah’s mission is understood,
that the hearts of the children will be turned to the fathers, and the fathers
to the children. It applies just as much on this side of the veil as it does on
the other side of the veil. If we neglect our families here in having family
home night and we fail in our responsibility here, how would it look if we lost
some of those through our own neglect? Heaven would not be heaven until we have
done everything we can to save those whom the Lord has sent through our lineage.
So, the hearts of you fathers and mothers must be turned to your children right
now, if you have the true spirit of Elijah, and not think that it applies
merely to those who are beyond the veil. Let your hearts be turned to your
children, and teach your children; but you must do it when they are young
enough to be properly schooled. And if you are neglecting your family home
evening, you are neglecting the beginning of the mission of Elijah just as certainly
as if you were neglecting your research work of genealogy.”[11]
Brigham Young taught, “We are the
guardians of our children; their training and education are committed to our
care, and if we do not ourselves pursue a course which will save them from the
influence of evil, when we are weighed in the balance we shall be found wanting.”[12]
Regarding unity in parenting, Larry
R. Lawrence of the Seventy taught, “It’s so important for husbands and wives to
be united when making parenting decisions. If either parent doesn’t feel good
about something, then permission should not be granted. If either feels
uncomfortable about a movie, a television show, a video game, a party, a dress,
a swimsuit, or an Internet activity, have the courage to support each other and
say no….Brothers and sisters, if your spouse doesn’t feel good about something,
show respect for those feelings. When you take the easy way out by saying and
doing nothing, you may be enabling destructive behavior.”[13]
President Thomas S. Monson taught, “Children
learn through gentle direction and persuasive teaching. They search for models
to imitate, knowledge to acquire, things to do, and teachers to please. …In
this regard, I offer four simple suggestions for your consideration: 1.Teach
prayer, 2. Inspire faith, 3. Live truth, and 4. Honor God.”[14]
Elder Joe J. Christensen reminds us
that “parenting is not a popularity contest.”[15]
The First Presidency said: “We
promise you great blessings if you will follow the Lord’s counsel and hold
regular family home evenings. We pray constantly that parents in the Church
will accept their responsibility to teach and exemplify gospel principles to
their children. May God bless you to be diligent in this most important
responsibility.”[16]
President Boyd “It is the basic
purpose of this Church to teach the youth: first in the home and then in
church.”[17]
Still, President Howard W. Hunter
emphasized to fathers, “Effective family leadership, brethren, requires both quantity
and quality time. The teaching and governance of the family must not be left to
your wife alone, to society, to school, or even the Church.”[18]
Thoughts.
Recently, as I watched a short
video clip from Glenn Latham, I realized how badly I had fallen into the
coercive parenting trap and the detrimental effect it had when it came to some
of my children and their lack of acceptance of gospel teachings in our home and
subsequent life choices. I share this video with you in the hopes that it may
prevent some of the pain and heartache I’ve experienced.
From a prayer written in the
journal of Patricia T. Holland, First Counselor in the Young Women General
Presidency, “I continually pray that I will never do anything to injure my
children emotionally. If I ever do cause them to hurt in any way, I pray they
will know I did it unwittingly. I cry often inside for things I may have said
and done thoughtlessly, and I pray not to repeat these transgressions. I pray
that I haven’t done anything to damage my dream of what I want these children
to become. I hunger for help and a guide—particularly when I feel that I have
failed them.” She also gives this insight, “Inasmuch as almost none of us is a
professional in child development, you can imagine why I was so encouraged to
hear this from one who is. A faculty member at Brigham Young University said to
me one day: “Pat, parenting has almost nothing to do with training. It has everything
to do with your heart.” When I asked him to explain further he said: “Often
parents feel the reason they do not communicate with their children is that
they are not skillful enough. Communication is not nearly as much a matter of
skill as it is of attitude. When our attitude is one of broken-heartedness and
humility, of love and interest in our children’s welfare, then that cultivates
communication. Our children recognize that effort on our part. On the other
hand, when we are impatient, hostile, or resentful, it doesn’t matter what
words we choose or how we try to camouflage our feelings. That attitude will be
felt by their discerning hearts.”[19]
[1] https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?CID=613601&lang=eng&old=true
[2] Hawkins,
A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and
families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU
Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
[3] Hawkins,
A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and
families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU
Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University, p. 108.
[4] Ibid.,
p. 109.
[5] Teachings
of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997), 336–42
[6] https://speeches.byu.edu/wp-content/uploads/pdf/Ballard_MRussell_2003_08.pdf
[7] Hawkins,
A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and
families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU
Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University, p. 115.
[8] https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-1-stake-presidents-and-bishops?lang=eng
[9] David O.
McKay quoting J. E. McCulloch, “Home: the Savior of Civilization,” in
Conference Report, Apr. 1935, p. 116
[11] Relief
Society Courses of Study, 1977–78, Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints, 1977, p. 2
[12] Teachings
of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997), 336–42
[13] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng#toggledReferences
[14] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1997/11/teach-the-children?lang=eng
[16] “Message
from the First Presidency,” Family Home Evening Resource Book [1983], iv.
[17] https://www.lds.org/liahona/2000/05/teach-the-children?lang=eng#footnote24-20985_000_006
[18] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1994/11/being-a-righteous-husband-and-father?lang=eng
[19] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1985/06/parenting-everything-to-do-with-the-heart?lang=eng
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