How to counsel parents with less-active, inactive, or wayward children.
What does The Family: A
Proclamation to the World
say regarding this?
“The divine plan of happiness
enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances
and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to
return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.”
When parents have wayward children
there can be a tendency to blame one’s self, and while each of us had made
mistakes, we need to keep an eternal perspective and have faith in the Father
of all our spirits. Before they (our children) were our children, they were
His.
What does the textbook Successful
Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives
say regarding this?
Chapter 16 is titled, “They Cannot
be Lost: Temple Covenants Save Families.” What a powerful promise. The authors
note that “Few family challenges are of more significance and have longer-term
implications than when family members fall away from correct principles and
eventually become involved in serious transgression.”
This
can bring on feelings of “sorrow, despair, desperation, depression, feelings of
guilt and unworthiness, and a sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents
may also experience anger and withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up.
These reactions usually make matters worse, deepening the problems they face.”
[4] As
parents’ faith and hope is tested, they may wonder, “Why doesn’t the Lord send
an angel to my child as he did to Alma the Younger? Did Alma’s father pray with
more faith? Why aren’t my prayers being answered? Doesn’t the Lord love me or
my child as much as he did Alma and his child?”
There is hope. Incredible,
wonderful promises have been given regarding the sealing power found in sacred
temple covenants. The Prophet Joseph Smith declared, “When a seal is put upon
the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost,
but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.”
Elder
Bednar has clarified that, “The statements by Joseph Smith and Orson F. Whitney
are construed by some members of the Church to mean that wayward children
unconditionally receive the blessings of salvation because of and through the
faithfulness of parents. However, this interpretation is moderated by the fact
that the most complete account of the Prophet’s sermon was not available to
Church historians at the time they compiled an amalgamated version of his
teachings from the notes of Willard Richards and William Clayton. In the more
complete set of notes recorded by Howard and Martha Coray, Joseph Smith is
shown to have qualified his statement to make the promised blessings
conditional upon the obedience of the children: “When a father and mother of a family
have [been sealed], their children
who have not transgressed are secured
by the seal wherewith the Parents have been sealed. And this is the Oath of God
unto our Father Abraham and this doctrine shall stand forever.” (Joseph Smith,
The Words of Joseph Smith, comp. Andrew F. Ehat and Lyndon W. Cook (1980), 241;
emphasis added. See also page 300.) This clarification is more consistent
doctrinally. Except for the additional information contained in the Coray
records, the concept of unconditional salvation for disobedient children would
contradict many foundational teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, including
the second article of faith that “men will be punished for their own sins” (Articles
of Faith 1:2).
James E
Faust talked about these covenant promises when he said, “Perhaps in this life
we are not given to fully understand how enduring the sealing cords of
righteous parents are to their children. It may very well be that there are
more helpful sources at work than we know. (See John K. Carmack, “When Our
Children Go Astray,” Ensign, Feb. 1997, 7) I believe there is a strong familial
pull as the influence of beloved ancestors continues with us from the other
side of the veil.”
What does Handbook 2:
Administering the Church[9]
say regarding this?
“1.1.4 The Role of Families in
God’s Plan. As part of our Heavenly Father’s plan, we were born into families.
He established families to bring us happiness, to help us learn correct
principles in a loving atmosphere, and to prepare us for eternal life. Parents
have the vital responsibility to help their children prepare to return to
Heavenly Father. Parents fulfill this responsibility by teaching their children
to follow Jesus Christ and live His gospel.”
What does Handbook 1: Stake
Presidents and Bishops say
regarding this?
“2.1.1 In addition to strengthening
individuals, the bishop strengthens families. He teaches that the family is the
most important organization in time and eternity. He encourages families to
hold family home evening, pray and read the scriptures together, and be
considerate of one another. He ensures that Church callings do not unduly
infringe on family responsibilities. He also ensures that Church activities
support parents’ efforts to raise righteous children.”
“7.1.7 Leaders encourage
parents to stay close to their children and to counsel them, allowing the
leaders to act in a supporting role.”
What do the scriptures say regarding this?
“Worrying about children is not
new. The scriptures tell stories of parents whose children turned out well:
Abraham’s son Isaac (see Gen. 22:7–13; D&C 132:37); of children who lost
their way: Lehi’s sons Laman and Lemuel (see 2 Ne. 1:13–26; 2 Ne. 5:1–5); and
of children who headed in a wrong direction but later became righteous: Alma’s
son Alma the Younger (see Mosiah 27). In each case, the parents of these men
probably did their best to rear them properly.”
D&C 121:41-44 “No power or
influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by
persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love
unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul
without hypocrisy, and without guile-Reproving betimes with sharpness, when
moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of
love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;
That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.”
Enos 1:1, 3 Enos recorded that his
father was “a just man” who “taught me in his language, and also in the nurture
and admonition of the Lord—and blessed be the name of my God for it. …
the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal
life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart.”
John 1:4 “I have no greater joy
than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
Romans 8:26 The Apostle Paul
explains that “we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit
itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Having
our hearts drawn out continually in pleadings and prayer for a wayward child
availeth much.
3 Nephi 18:21 “Pray in your
families unto the Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children
may be blessed.”
D&C 88:68 He will hear and
answer your prayers “in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his
own will.”
Mosiah 27:14 “The Lord hath heard
the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is
thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou
mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose
have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the
prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.”
D&C 11:12-14 The Lord promises
He will “impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind.” We can
receive specific instructions through the Spirit about what our child needs at
a given time.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord
with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.”
John 9:2-3 “And his disciples asked
him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born
blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that
the works of God should be made manifest in him.”
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in
the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
D&C 105:6 “My people must needs
be chastened until they learn obedience, if it must needs be, by the things which they suffer.”
Sometimes children must learn from their own experience through agency. This
learning experience may at times be painful for them and painful for parents
who witness their children’s suffering.
Mal. 4:6 “turn the heart of the
fathers to the children and the heart of the children to the fathers. …”
What do latter-day prophets and apostles say regarding this?
Elder David A. Bednar shared, “One
of the greatest heartaches a valiant parent in Zion can suffer is a child who
strays from the gospel path. Questions of “Why?” or “What did I do wrong?” and
“How can this child now be helped?” are pondered without ceasing in the minds
and hearts of such parents. These men and women pray earnestly, search the
scriptures diligently, and listen intently to the counsel of priesthood and
auxiliary leaders as they turn to the gospel of Jesus Christ for guidance,
strength, and solace.”
Regarding children still in the
home, Garth Hansen has cautioned, “In evaluating the problem their child
presents to the family, parents must separate behavior that is
inconvenient
for them from behavior that is
intolerable. If a troubled young adult
still lives at home, his or her behavior may adversely affect the rest of the
family. Is there a
risk to family members if the undesired situation is
allowed to continue? All options, including the possible removal of the young
adult from the home, should be considered. Fasting and prayer are essential
steps in the evaluation process. If parents are still not sure how serious the
situation is or how far they should go with a remedy, they can get ecclesiastical
or professional help, or both. Sometimes family concerns are best left to the
parents to evaluate in private discussion. Other concerns are appropriately
discussed in a family council setting so that issues can be seen more clearly
from different perspectives and the family can act more effectively in the
spirit of mutual understanding, unity, and cooperation.”
“A child, even one raised with
great love and care and carefully taught, may choose, when an adult, not to
follow those teachings for a variety of reasons,” said Bishop Robert D. Hales,
then Presiding Bishop of the Church and now a member of the Quorum of the
Twelve Apostles. “How should we react? We understand and respect the principle
of agency. We pray that life’s experiences will help them regain their desire
and ability to live the gospel. They are still our children, and we will love
and care about them always. We do not lock the doors of our house nor the doors
to our hearts.”
Elder Boyd K. Packer, while Acting
President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said: “The measure of our
success as parents … will not rest solely on how our children turn out. That
judgment would be just only if we could raise our families in a perfectly moral
environment, and that now is not possible. It is not uncommon for responsible
parents to lose one of their children, for a time, to influences over which
they have no control.” Elder Packer continued, quoting Elder Orson F. Whitney
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “‘Though some of the sheep may wander,
the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the
tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to
the fold. … Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.’”
Elder John K. Carmack of the
Seventy counseled, “Despite our best efforts to raise children who love the
Lord, follow His commandments, and live happy, productive, and healthy lives,
our sons and daughters sometimes go astray. Straying can mean involvement in
drug abuse, criminal activity, immorality, and even abuse of parents and
others. Other forms of drifting, perhaps less serious but nevertheless
troubling, include underachieving, dropping out of school, and finding little
purpose or happiness in life. Typical parental reactions include sorrow,
despair, desperation, depression, feelings of guilt and unworthiness, and a
sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents may also experience anger and
withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up. These reactions usually make
matters worse, deepening the problems they face.”
Elder Orson F. Whitney of the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “You parents of the wilful and the wayward!
Don’t give them up. Don’t cast them off. They are not utterly lost. The
Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before
he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves
them. They have but strayed in ignorance from the Path of Right, and God is
merciful to ignorance. Only the fulness of knowledge brings the fulness of
accountability. Our Heavenly Father is far more merciful, infinitely more
charitable, than even the best of his servants, and the Everlasting Gospel is
mightier in power to save than our narrow finite minds can comprehend.
The
eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for
valiant service in the Cause of Truth, will save not only themselves, but
likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the
Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of
Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold.
Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. … They will suffer
for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like
the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the
painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and
disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till
you see the salvation of God”
President Joseph F. Smith offered this
advice, “Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of
the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish
them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! … However wayward they
might be … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger, do it not
harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly. … You can’t drive them;
they won’t be driven.”
In 1919 at general conference, Alonzo
A. Hinckley, then president of the Deseret Stake of Zion, quoted Elder James E.
Talmage of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as follows: “I promise the Saints
in the Deseret stake of Zion that if their lives are such that they can look
their sons and daughters in the face, and if any of them have gone astray, that
the parents are able to say, ‘It is contrary to my instruction and my life’s
example; it is against every effort of love, long suffering, faith, prayer and
devotion that that boy or that girl has gone,’—I promise you, fathers and
mothers, that not one of them shall be lost unless they have sinned away the
power to repent.”
I love the prophetic counsel of
President Hinckley, “Fathers and mothers, pray over your children. Pray that
they may be shielded from the evils of the world. Pray that they may grow in
faith and knowledge. Pray that they may be directed toward lives that will be
profitable and good. Husbands, pray for your wives. Express unto the Lord your
gratitude for them and plead with Him in their behalf. Wives, pray for your
husbands. Many of them walk a very difficult road with countless problems and
great perplexities. Plead with the Almighty that they may be guided, blessed,
protected, inspired in their righteous endeavors.”
“Elder Bednar lovingly encouraged, “As
parents are patient and persistent in loving their children and in becoming
living examples of disciples of Jesus Christ, they most effectively teach the
Father’s plan of happiness. The steadfastness of such parents bears powerful
witness of the redeeming and strengthening powers of the Savior’s Atonement and
invites wayward children to see with new eyes and to hear with new ears (see
Matthew 13:43).”
Thoughts.
Prayer has been an expression of
our faith in the eternal nature of our family as my wife and I pray for our
children. I love the scripture, “Pray in your families unto the Father, always
in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed.” (3 Nephi 18:21)
I have found that as we pray with and for our children, there is a better
spirit in the home. I seem to have more love and patience and there seems to be
less contention. When I see a tender mercy in my life or feel the love of the
Savior and my Heavenly Father, I try to remember that my children were His
children first. I try to remember that He knows them as well as He knows me. As
I have seen Him direct me in my life, I know that He can direct them in their
lives as well. It is a very comforting thought for me as I know that whatever
loving, good desires I have for my children, our Heavenly Father and mother
have that and more in a very perfect sense for them.
Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith,
comp. Joseph Fielding Smith (1938), 321.
