How to counsel
empty-nest couples to have a fulfilling relationship as they grow old together.
What does The Family: A
Proclamation to the World[1]
say regarding this?
“The family is ordained of God.
Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. … The divine
plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the
grave.”
What does the textbook Successful
Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives [2]
say regarding this?
Chapter 9 is titled, “Marriage in
the Later Years” and explores challenges faced by couples in the mid to later
stages of their lives and relationships, tools to overcome these challenges, as
well as opportunities that are available to these couples.
Some challenges include: Empty-nest
syndrome, where couples who have focused solely on helping their children
learn, grow, and begin families of their own, no longer have a primary mutual
goal. Retirement can also present challenges as the provider no longer has that
structure and motivation. Physical abilities and declining health can also be a
major challenge and may only increase as couples age. Caregiving, either of a
parent, adult child, or spouse can be a burden as well as a blessing. Either
way, it can challenge a couple’s relationship. Loss of friends and loved ones
also increases as couples age themselves. Key to overcoming these challenges is
recognizing that they are coming and preparing for them. Mutual interests and
activities as a couple should begin to replace children’s activities as
children become more and more independent and eventually move out of the home.
In retirement, these meaningful activities, structure, service, and extended
family activities can replace the day-to-day provider activities. Continued
physical activity and attention to health and nutrition will help make a
couples later years more fulfilling and happy. A strong and mature
relationship, coupled with a firm testimony of our Heavenly Father’s plan will
help couples deal with the grief and loss of family members and friends.
Wonderful opportunities that may
present in a couples later years may include: Opportunities to share their
knowledge and experience with other generations and within their family. This
is a wonderful time to compile personal histories, journals, photographs, and
family histories as well as do genealogical research and temple service. Other
opportunities for service such as missions, magnifying callings, and community
volunteer work are also available as couples have increased discretionary time.
Using this discretionary time in meaningful activities as a couple is very
important to ensuring a sense of fulfillment and joy in a couple’s later years.
What does Handbook 2: Administering
the Church[3]
say regarding this?
“1.3.1 The Lord has commanded husbands and wives to cleave to each
other (see Genesis 2:24; D&C 42:22). In this commandment, the word cleave
means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave
to God and one another by serving and loving each other and by keeping
covenants in complete fidelity to one another and to God (see D&C 25:13).”
Couples who practice this divine counsel from the early days of their marriage
will enjoy the blessing of a deepening of their love as their relationship
matures.
What do the scriptures say regarding this?
Mark 10:6-9 “But from the beginning
of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave
his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one
flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.”
D&C 59:23 “But learn that he who doeth the works of righteousness
shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the
world to come.”
Prov. 16:31 “The hoary head is a
crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.”
Mal. 4:6 “turn the heart of the
fathers to the children and the heart of the children to the fathers. …”
What do latter-day prophets and apostles say regarding this?
President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk
titled, “To the Elderly in the Church” in October 1989 General Conference is great
council for couples later in life. In it he said, “Our desires are that your
golden years will be wonderful and rewarding. We pray that you will feel the
joy of a life well-spent and one filled with fond memories and even greater
expectations through Christ’s atonement. We hope you will feel of the peace the
Lord promised those who continue to strive to keep His commandments and follow
His example. We hope your days are filled with things to do and ways in which
you can render service to others who are not as fortunate as you. Older almost
always means better, for your wealth of wisdom and experience can continue to
expand and increase as you reach out to others.”[4]
President Benson gives eight things couples can do in their later years.
1.
Work in the temple and attend often.
2.
Collect and write family histories.
3.
Become involved in missionary work.
4.
Provide leadership by building family togetherness.
5.
Accept and fulfill Church callings.
6.
Plan for you financial future.
7.
Render Christ-like service.
8.
Stay physically fit, healthy, and active.
President Brigham Young gave us
some fine advice when he said: “Prepare to die is not the exhortation in this
Church and Kingdom; but prepare to live is the word with us, and improve all we
can in the life hereafter, wherein we may enjoy a more exalted condition of
intelligence, wisdom, light, knowledge, power, glory, and exaltation. Then let
us seek to extend the present life to the uttermost.”[5]
Spencer W. Kimball encouraged, ““We
need many older couples, who, in general, are retired and have reared their
families. There is a great work for them to do as official missionaries. … “Many
of us sit in luxury and wealth while neighbors and friends and relatives are
anxiously or unconsciously waiting for the gospel message. “Many of our good
people have reared their families and settled down in advancing years and have
relaxed to enjoy life without selflessly sharing it.”[6]
Elder Jacob de Jager of the First
Quorum of the Seventy promised, “Couples will come closer to the Savior and
their Heavenly Father during their mission. Their relationship with Christ will
improve. They will be given increased spiritual strength. For many, a mission
will be the crowning experience of a life of service to the Master.”[7]
Thoughts.
“As our life expectancy lengthens,
most of us will need to deal with the challenges of retirement and aging. By
helping others deal with those challenges, we not only learn to deal with them
ourselves, but we are also better for having shared our homes and our hugs with
those who have time to share and love to give.”[8]
I love what an article I read said,
one sister described retirement as “twice as much husband and half as much
money.”[9] While
humorous, I am looking forward to the time my wife and I will be able to build
on our eternal marriage that is only one trillionth of the way done (26 years
so far). I am looking forward to having some of the temporal cares melt away so
we have time to focus on things more spiritual, more lasting, and more
important. “There are many good things that can help us enjoy our senior years.
The magic for us older couples is being able to be alone together; relying on
each other; looking at each other and not seeing the wrinkles, the gray hair or
bald head, but seeing the beauty we had when we were young—improved by the
richness of the years we’ve spent together. The joy is being able to say, “I
love you,” and know that we have spent a lifetime showing it.”[10]
[1] https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?CID=613601&lang=eng&old=true
[2] Hawkins,
A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and
families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU
Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
[3] https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church?lang=eng
[4] https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/10/to-the-elderly-in-the-church?lang=eng
[5] Discourses
of Brigham Young, John A. Widtsoe, comp., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co.,
1954, p. 186.
[6] Regional
Representatives seminar, 30 Sept. 1977, pp. 11–12.
[7] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1981/08/we-hope-they-call-us-on-a-mission?lang=eng
[8] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/06/growing-older?lang=eng
[9] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1973/11/growing-older-everyones-challenge?lang=eng#pop_001-03037_000_008
[10] https://www.lds.org/ensign/1988/06/after-the-children-leave?lang=eng
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