How to counsel
couples considering divorce.
What does The Family: A
Proclamation to the World[1]
say regarding this?
“…marriage between a man and a
woman is ordained of God… Marriage between man and woman is essential to His
eternal plan.”
What does the textbook Successful
Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives [2]
say regarding this?
Chapter 8 is titled, “Should I Keep
Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of
Divorce” and explores why people consider divorce, the effects on those
involved (spouse, children, and extended family), as well as reasons to and
ways to save a marriage.
“Researchers have estimated that 40
to 50 percent of first marriages-and about 60 percent of remarriages-are ending
in divorce in the United States.”[3]
The text delves into the spiritual
realm where the President James E. Faust describes how marriage vows rise to
the “dignity of a covenant.”[4] He
then provides counsel and a three-part test to determine if ending a marriage
is justified. The three elements are: First, prolonged difficulties, or in other
words, couples should try for an extended period of time to resolve their
difficulties (unless the issue involves the health or safety of a child or
spouse). Second, apparently irredeemable relationship, one where there is
little hope of repair. This can occur because one or both spouse is unable or
unwilling to make the effort. Third, destruction of human dignity either
through physical or emotional abuse or infidelity. A loss of a spouse’s sense
of worth is the usual effect. Feelings of unhappiness or lack of fulfillment do
not rise to this level.
In a previous blog, I addressed
infidelity, here is a portion of that information when it comes to repairing
marriage.
Repairing marriage after infidelity
includes: Rebuilding trust through becoming accountable, establishing
boundaries, and making small but steady trust gains. The next step is to gain
perspective on why the infidelity occurred or the susceptible areas of the
marriage that may need improvement. This should never include blaming the
spouse for the infidelity. Repentance is a key step to overcoming infidelity.
This needs to include confession, forsaking the sin, having faith in the Lord
that he can and will forgive, seeking forgiveness from spouse, and finally,
receiving forgiveness from spouse. The critical step is making the choice to
stay together. In doing this, the couple needs to heal from the past,
strengthen the present, and enrich the future.
The authors emphasize that “Through
hard work, couples can and do rebuild their lives… making the courageous choice
to stay together. Of course, there are situations in which spouses decide not
to try to repair a relationship broken by infidelity, and instead divorce. The
scriptures clarify that infidelity may be a just cause for divorce (Matt.
19:8-9).”[5]
Ultimately, “Whatever sincere
actions are taken, we know that a loving God will support those efforts to help
couples preserve a union that is essential for his plan for the eternal welfare
of his children. And if those efforts ultimately prove unfruitful, then couples
can know that they have done all they could to honor a relationship ordained of
God.”[6]
What does Handbook 2: Administering
the Church[7]
say regarding this?
“1.3.1 The Lord has commanded husbands and wives to cleave to each
other (see Genesis 2:24; D&C 42:22). In this commandment, the word cleave
means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave
to God and one another by serving and loving each other and by keeping
covenants in complete fidelity to one another and to God (see D&C 25:13).”
Handbook 1: Stake Presidents and
Bishops also advises priesthood leaders:
“7.2.4 Repentance and Resisting Temptation.
When counseling members, leaders help them take preventive action to resist
temptations. For example, members who are courting, are having difficulty in
their marriages, are separated or divorced, or are struggling with minor moral
problems may be protected and strengthened by counseling that is designed to
help them guard against transgression. Presiding officers need not wait for
members to seek such help but may call them in for counseling.”
“7.2.5 Marriage, Divorce, and
Separation. No priesthood officer is to counsel a person whom to marry. Nor
should he counsel a person to divorce his or her spouse. Those decisions must
originate and remain with the individual. When a marriage ends in divorce, or
if a husband and wife separate, they should always receive counseling from
Church leaders. One or both may also need Church discipline if they have
committed serious transgressions in connection with the divorce or separation.
A member who is separated from his or her spouse or is going through a divorce
should be counseled not to date until the divorce decree has become final
according to law.”
“7.2.6 Professional Counseling. In
addition to the inspired help of Church leaders, members may need professional
counseling. In the United States and Canada, stake presidents and bishops may
contact LDS Family Services to identify resources to provide such counseling in
harmony with gospel principles.”[8]
What do the scriptures say regarding this?
Mark 10:6-9 But from the beginning
of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave
his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one
flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath
joined together, let not man put asunder.
Matthew 19:3-9 “The Pharisees also
came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put
away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not
read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And
said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to
his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain,
but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put
asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of
divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the
hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the
beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife,
except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and
whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
What do latter-day prophets and apostles say regarding this?
President Kimball warned of a
potential cause of divorce: “The husband is expected to support his family and
only in an emergency should a wife secure outside employment. Her place is in
the home, to build the home into a heaven of delight. Numerous divorces can be
traced directly to the day when the wife left the home and went out into the
world into employment. Two incomes raise the standard of living beyond its norm.
Two spouses working prevent the complete and proper home life, break into the
family prayers, create an independence which is not cooperative, causes
distortion, limits the family, and frustrates the children already born.”[9]
President Spencer W. Kimball also taught:
“Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the
happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means
sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means
long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial
burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest
and sweetest emotions of all.”[10]
Elder Dallin H. Oaks clearly
expresses the Lord’s will, “The kind of marriage required for
exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate
divorce. In the temples of the Lord, couples are married for all eternity.”[11]
Elder Oaks teaches, “There are many
good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that
many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently
betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage
responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such
abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a
marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a
means to end it. …We know that some look back on their divorces with regret at
their own partial or predominant fault in the breakup. All who have been
through divorce know the pain and need the healing power and hope that come
from the Atonement. That healing power and that hope are there for them and
also for their children.”[12]
Elder Oaks speaks directly to those
considering divorce, “Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may
be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up
to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but
repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first
step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution,
and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of
the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on
average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness
after the death of a spouse than after a divorce.3 Spouses who hope that
divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the
complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate
new conflicts. Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the
interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its
first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of
the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of
marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in
children.4 We know that children raised in a single-parent home after divorce
have a much higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, poor
school performance, and various kinds of victimization.
A couple with serious marriage
problems should see their bishop. As the Lord’s judge, he will give counsel and
perhaps even discipline that will lead toward healing. Bishops do not counsel
members to divorce, but they can help members with the consequences of their
decisions. Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a
precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not
give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again.
The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will
help us and heal us.
Latter-day Saint spouses should do
all within their power to preserve their marriages. They should follow the
marriage enrichment counsel in the First Presidency’s message in the April 2007
Ensign and Liahona.5 To avoid so-called “incompatibility,” they should be best
friends, kind and considerate, sensitive to each other’s needs, always seeking
to make each other happy. They should be partners in family finances, working
together to regulate their desires for temporal things.
Of course, there can be times when
one spouse falls short and the other is wounded and feels pain. When that
happens, the one who is wronged should balance current disappointments against
the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future. Don’t treasure
up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship,
festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10). Plead for
the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs (as President Faust has
just taught us so beautifully), to overcome faults, and to strengthen
relationships.
If you are already descending into
the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and
prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble
and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and
will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.
Consider these observations of a
wise bishop with extensive experience in counseling members with marriage
problems. Speaking of those who eventually divorced, he said: “Universally,
every couple or individual said they recognized that divorce was not a good
thing, but they all insisted that their situation was different. Universally,
they focused on the fault of the spouse and attributed little responsibility to
their own behavior. Communication had withered. Universally, they were looking
back, not willing to leave the baggage of past behavior on the roadside and
move on. Part of the time, serious sin was involved, but more often they had
just ‘fallen out of love,’ saying, ‘He doesn’t satisfy my needs anymore,’ or,
‘She has changed.’ All were worried about the effect on the children, but
always the conclusion was ‘it’s worse for them to have us together and
fighting.’”
In contrast, the couples who
followed this bishop’s counsel and stayed together emerged with their marriages
even stronger. That prospect began with their mutual commitment to keep the
commandments, stay active in their Church attendance, scripture reading, and
prayer, and to work on their own shortcomings. They “recognized the importance
and power of the Atonement for their spouse and for themselves,” and “they were
patient and would try again and again.” When the couples he counseled did these
things, repenting and working to save their marriages, this bishop reported
that “healing was achieved 100 percent of the time.”
Even those who think their spouse
is entirely to blame should not act hastily. One study found “no evidence that
divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy
marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce
reported being happily married five years later.”(Linda J. Waite and others,
Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages
(Institute for American Values, 2002), 6; see also scholarly studies cited in
Marriage and the Law: A Statement of Principles (Institute for American Values,
2006), 21) A woman who persisted in an intolerable marriage for many years
until the children were raised explained: “There were three parties to our
marriage—my husband and I and the Lord. I told myself that if two of us could
hang in there, we could hold it together.”
The power of hope expressed in
these examples is sometimes rewarded with repentance and reformation, but
sometimes it is not. Personal circumstances vary greatly. We cannot control and
we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so
painfully. I am sure the Lord loves and blesses husbands and wives who lovingly
try to help spouses struggling with such deep problems as pornography or other
addictive behavior or with the long-term consequences of childhood abuse.
Whatever the outcome and no matter
how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be
denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep
His commandments, and just do the best you can. When young Jacob “suffered
afflictions and much sorrow” from the actions of other family members, Father
Lehi assured him, “Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate
thine afflictions for thy gain” (2 Nephi 2:1–2). Similarly, the Apostle Paul
assured us that “all things work together for good to them that love God”
(Romans 8:28).[13]
Elder Oaks also carefully details
the effect of divorce on children, “Our Church leaders have taught that looking
“upon marriage as a mere contract that may be entered into at pleasure … and
severed at the first difficulty … is an evil meriting severe condemnation,”
especially where “children are made to suffer.” (David O. McKay, “Structure of the Home Threatened by
Irresponsibility and Divorce,” Improvement Era, June 1969, 5.) And children are
impacted by divorces. Over half of the divorces in a recent year involved
couples with minor children. (See Diana B. Elliott and Tavia Simmons, “Marital
Events of Americans: 2009,” American Community Survey Reports, Aug. 2011.) Many
children would have had the blessing of being raised by both of their parents
if only their parents had followed this inspired teaching in the family proclamation:
“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other
and for their children. … Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in
love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and
to teach them to love and serve one another.” (“The Family: A Proclamation to
the World,” Liahona and Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129.) The most powerful teaching of
children is by the example of their parents. Divorcing parents inevitably teach
a negative lesson. There are surely cases when a divorce is necessary for the
good of the children, but those circumstances are exceptional. (See Dallin H.
Oaks, “Divorce,” Liahona and Ensign, May 2007, 71.) In most marital contests
the contending parents should give much greater weight to the interests of the
children. With the help of the Lord, they can do so. Children need the
emotional and personal strength that come from being raised by two parents who
are united in their marriage and their goals. As one who was raised by a
widowed mother, I know firsthand that this cannot always be achieved, but it is
the ideal to be sought whenever possible. Children are the first victims of
current laws permitting so-called “no-fault divorce.” From the standpoint of children,
divorce is too easy. Summarizing decades of social science research, a careful
scholar concluded that “the family structure that produces the best outcomes for
children, on average, are two biological parents who remain married.” (Charles
Murray, Coming Apart: The State of White America, 1960–2010 (2012), 158.) A New
York Times writer noted “the striking fact that even as traditional marriage has
declined in the United States … the evidence has mounted for the institution’s
importance to the wellbeing of children.” (Ross Douthat, “Gay Parents and the
Marriage Debate,” New York Times, June 11, 2012, http://douthat.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/11/gay-parentsand-the-marriage-debate.)
That reality should give important guidance to parents and parents-to-be in
their decisions involving marriage and divorce.”[14]
Current Views on Divorce
A Harvard law professor describes the current law and attitude
toward marriage and divorce: “The [current] American story about marriage, as
told in the law and in much popular literature, goes something like this: marriage
is a relationship that exists primarily for the fulfillment of the individual
spouses. If it ceases to perform this function, no one is to blame and either spouse
may terminate it at will. … Children hardly appear in the story; at most they
are rather shadowy characters in the background.”[15]
[1] https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?CID=613601&lang=eng&old=true
[2] Hawkins,
A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and
families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU
Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
[3] Ibid. p.
79.
[4] Ibid. p.
80.
[5] Ibid. p.
67-68.
[6] Ibid. p.
86.
[7] https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church?lang=eng
[8] https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-1-stake-presidents-and-bishops/interviews-and-counseling?lang=eng
[9] Kimball,
fireside address, San Antonio, Texas, 3 Dec. 1977
[10] Teachings
of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball (2006), 194.
[11] Elder
Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce,” Ensign, May 2007, 70–73.
[12] Ibid.
[13] Ibid.
[14] Oaks
“Protect The Children” General Conference, October 2012.
[15] Mary
Ann Glendon, Abortion and Divorce in Western Law: American Failures, European
Challenges (1987), 108
