What constitutes complete fidelity within marriage?

What constitutes complete fidelity within marriage?

What does The Family: A Proclamation to the World[1] say regarding this?

“We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. … a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. …We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.”

What does the textbook Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives [2] say regarding this?

Chapter 6 is titled, “Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity” and discusses the causes, types, and impact of infidelity within marriage.

While the media portrayals of infidelity are prevalent, the actual occurrence statistically has remained consistently around 21% for married men and 14 % for married women over the past 20 years.[3] Still, this represent thousands of relationships that experience devastating consequences.

Some types of infidelity include:

Fantasy, where an emotional attachment is made with a real (but not involved), anonymous, or fictional person where the infidelity occurs within the imagination. Can be a precursor to sexual infidelity.

Romantic, similar to fantasy, but with a real person who is participatory. It can be non-sexual in nature. It can be in-person, on-line, through text or chat, or over the phone. Can be a precursor to sexual infidelity.

Visual (Pornography or live displays such as strip clubs), perhaps the most common form of infidelity due to the ease of access as well as male visual sexual arousal. Very commonly involves self-stimulation. Can be a precursor to sexual infidelity.

Sexual, when a married person engages in sexual acts outside of the marriage with or without an emotional or romantic attachment.

Some of the consequences include loss of trust, guilt, depression, divorce, trauma to spouse and children, disease, and even death. Visual infidelity can lead to objectification or sexualization of the opposite sex, desensitization, infatuation with over-idealized body types, inability to make and keep emotional attachments, and distancing from relationships. Visual, self-stimulation, and detached sexual infidelity cater to the carnal desire for instant gratification and can temper the mind away from real love and intimacy which takes time and patience to develop and nurture.

Preventing marital infidelity includes: constructing appropriate boundaries, being fiercely loyal to spouse (cleave), putting our spouse first, and controlling our thoughts.

Repairing marriage after infidelity includes: Rebuilding trust through becoming accountable, establishing boundaries, and making small but steady trust gains. The next step is to gain perspective on why the infidelity occurred or the susceptible areas of the marriage that may need improvement. This should never include blaming the spouse for the infidelity. Repentance is a key step to overcoming infidelity. This needs to include confession, forsaking the sin, having faith in the Lord that he can and will forgive, seeking forgiveness from spouse, and finally, receiving forgiveness from spouse. The critical step is making the choice to stay together. In doing this, the couple needs to heal from the past, strengthen the present, and enrich the future.

The authors emphasize that “Through hard work, couples can and do rebuild their lives… making the courageous choice to stay together. Of course, there are situations in which spouses decide not to try to repair a relationship broken by infidelity, and instead divorce. The scriptures clarify that infidelity may be a just cause for divorce (Matt. 19:8-9).”[4]

What does Handbook 2: Administering the Church[5] say regarding this?

“1.3.1 The Lord has commanded husbands and wives to cleave to each other (see Genesis 2:24; D&C 42:22). In this commandment, the word cleave means to be completely devoted and faithful to someone. Married couples cleave to God and one another by serving and loving each other and by keeping covenants in complete fidelity to one another and to God (see D&C 25:13).”

What do the scriptures say regarding this?

Genesis 2.4 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

D&C 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.”

D&C 25:13 “Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou hast made.”

D&C 121:45 “…let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly…”

Matthew 5:27-28 “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Matthew 19:8-9 “He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”

1 Peter 2:11 “. . . Abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul.”

What do latter-day prophets and apostles say regarding this?

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.”[6]

He also taught, “The plaguing sin of this generation is sexual immorality. This, the Prophet Joseph said, would be the source of more temptations, more buffetings, and more difficulties for the elders of Israel than any other.”[7]

President Gordon B. Hinckley warned, “Pornography is the literature of the devil. Shun it. Stay away from it. Lift your sights and your minds to the higher and nobler things of life. … Remember, ‘wickedness never was happiness’ (Alma 41:10). Sin never brought happiness. Transgression never brought happiness. Disobedience never brought happiness”[8]

He also counseled, “Challenging though it may be, there is a way to apply traditional moral principles in our day. For some unknown reason, there is constantly appearing the false rationalization that at one time in the long-ago, virtue was easy and that now it is difficult. I would like to remind any who feel that way that there has never been a time since the Creation when the same forces were not at work that are at work today. The proposal made by Potiphar’s wife to Joseph in Egypt is no different from that faced by many men and women and youth in our day. The influences today may be more apparent and more seductive, but they are no more compelling. One cannot be shielded entirely from these influences. They are all about us. Our culture is saturated with them. But the same kind of self-discipline exercised by Joseph will yield the same beneficial result. Notwithstanding the so-called ‘new morality,’ notwithstanding the much-discussed changes in moral standards, there is no adequate substitute for virtue. God’s standards may be challenged everywhere throughout the world, but God has not abrogated his commandments. The violation of his commandments in this, as in any other age, brings only regret, sorrow, loss of self-respect, and in many cases tragedy.”[9]

President James E. Faust: “The responsibilities involved in the divine life-giving process, and the functions of our body, are so sacrosanct that they are to be exercised only within the marriage relationship. Those who do not accept and meet those responsibilities, for any reason, as well as those who do, should never depart from the law of chastity if they wish to be truly happy. All members of this Church seeking eternal joy and peace are expected to and will wish to come to the marriage altar free from sexual transgressions—chaste and pure.”[10]

Elder Neal A. Maxwell: “The world seeks to control the diseases flowing from sexual immorality but without honoring the principles of fidelity and chastity. The world in its wisdom constantly seeks to accommodate the natural man, while gospel wisdom constantly urges us to put off the natural man. (See Mosiah 3:19.) This is a pivotal point, and it makes all the difference!”[11]

President Thomas S. Monson: “It is not difficult to withstand the mockings and unsavory remarks of foolish ones who would ridicule chastity, honesty, and obedience to God’s commands. The world has ever belittled adherence to principle. … When Noah was instructed to build an ark, the foolish populace looked at the cloudless sky, then scoffed and jeered—until the rain came.”[12]

Elder Dallin H. Oaks counsels, “Outside the bonds of marriage, all uses of the procreative power are to one degree or another a sinful degrading and perversion of the most divine attribute of men and women.”[13]

President Boyd K. Packer: “The rapid, sweeping deterioration of values is characterized by a preoccupation—even an obsession—with the procreative act. Abstinence before marriage and fidelity within it are openly scoffed at—marriage and parenthood ridiculed as burdensome, unnecessary. Modesty, a virtue of a refined individual or society, is all but gone.”[14]

Elder Richard G. Scott: “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose. However, those intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside the enduring commitment of marriage because they undermine His purposes. Within the sacred covenant of marriage, such relationships are according to His plan. When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm. Even though participants do not realize that is happening now, they will later. Sexual immorality creates a barrier to the influence of the Holy Spirit with all its uplifting, enlightening, and empowering capabilities. It causes powerful physical and emotional stimulation. In time that creates an unquenchable appetite that drives the offender to ever more serious sin. It engenders selfishness and can produce aggressive acts such as brutality, abortion, sexual abuse, and violent crime.”[15]

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[1] https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?CID=613601&lang=eng&old=true

[2] Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

[3] Ibid. p. 57.

[4] Ibid. p. 67-68.

[5] https://www.lds.org/handbook/handbook-2-administering-the-church?lang=eng

[6] Ezra Taft Benson, “To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987, 50.

[7] Ezra Taft Benson, “Cleansing the Inner Vessel,” Ensign, May 1986, 4.

[8] Hinckley, To a Man Who Has Done What This Church Expects of Each of Us,” in Brigham Young University 1995–96 Speeches [1996], 53.

[9] Hinckley, With All Thy Getting Get Understanding,’” Ensign, August 1988, 4.

[10] Faust, “The Sanctity of Life,” Ensign, May 1975, 27.

[11] Maxwell, “The Inexhaustible Gospel,” Ensign, April 1993, 71–72.

[12] Monson, in Conference Report, April 1967, 58.

[13] Oaks, “The Great Plan of Happiness,” Ensign, November 1993, 74.

[14] Packer, “Our Moral Environment,” Ensign, May 1992, 66.

[15] Scott, “Making the Right Choices,” Ensign, November 1994, 38.